How I Used to See "Faith"
Before my cancer/healing journey, I saw faith as something you believed in. Such as "He has a Christian faith" or a "Muslim faith." I also remember thinking of faith as an almost impossible goal when compared to the mountain example in the Bible. Can faith really move mountains?
I mean, most of us at one time or another looked at a mountain and commanded it to move, right? Or am I the only goober out there? Hey, I thought I would try it! God says it's possible, right?
Well, as far as I know the Rockies haven't moved since I prayed for them to, but I have seen faith in an entirely different light over these last 3 years. When I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, God immediately gave me a faith, an undeniable belief that I would be healed.
My Battle with Faith
Some say that faith is the absence of fear. I totally see that. When fear leaves my mind, I am SO faith-filled. And vice versa. When I have a day I am feeling so full of faith, fear leaves. But I'm not quite sure there isn't always a little tidbit of fear left.
This is the balance that can literally get me in a war with myself: "Aly, if you had enough faith, you wouldn't even be questioning another scenario." "Aly, if you had enough faith, fear wouldn't even be present." "Aly, if you had enough faith, you would be continually filled with joy."
While I believe there is some truth in those statements, I believe those kind of statements can actually give me an unattainable view of faith, which can leave me even more faithless than before.
As many of you know, we are undergoing fertility treatments and one day I can feel positive and faithful and then another day I can get negative and scared. I can get so mad at myself in these moments. Josh has been so faith-filled and a God-send for me throughout this process, but I can question my faith big time.
How I See Faith Today
"Faith isn’t fearless. Faith is just moving forward."
Wow, this hit me and reaffirmed so much in me. Faith is continuing to press on when fear is staring you in the face. There are times when I'm fearless. There are times when I'm faithless. But I MUST keep moving forward. Trying to have "perfect" faith and feeling guilty when I have a strand of fear can keep me in bondage.
Faith should be freeing- not bonding! So, as we are believing and having faith for our children and family, I am reminded to take it one day at a time.
Keep walking in faith. Rebuking and resisting fear and when it starts to creep in, I must keep moving forward.
Let's punch fear in the face,