When I heard the news from my CT scan, I was home alone sitting on my couch about to eat lunch. After I found out the good news, I was so overcome with emotion. I dramatically put my lunch on the coffee table and sprawled out on my living room floor in the most violent cry you have probably ever heard:) My mascara was ALL over my face and I was inconsolable. I'm sure I was a sight to see, but it was a precious moment with my Savior. I just kept yelling thanks to the Lord over and over, followed by apologizing to him over and over for ever doubting Him in the slightest. I tried calling Josh and couldn't reach him. He tried calling me back and I missed his call. When he came home, we hadn't talked yet. Let's just say I had to quickly tell him the news was good, because by looking at me or hearing me, he probably thought something was majorly wrong:) Oh, the joys of living with me!!!
After hearing the news, I have been so giddy. Little girl giddy. Like skipping around the house, wanting to do cartwheels in the front yard giddy. No exaggeration. I'm excited to go to the grocery store, clean my house, play with my dog--just doing anything I have such joy that I haven't had in a very long time. I always try to choose joy and choose happiness regardless of my situation, but to actually feel it bubbling up inside is an indescribable feeling. So, I am enjoying this joy with overwhelming thankfulness to my God.
1 Corinthians 15:57 "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
As far as the pain is concerned, we are not too sure what the next step is. I am meeting with my G.I. doctor on the 27th to see what the next step is. Please pray that we can know what to do to stop my pain in the most natural way possible. I am trying a lot of diet changes to see if that helps. I am already eating very healthy, but will be experimenting with taking some foods out of my diet to see if that helps.
I am reminded through all of my pain, fears, and hardship to make my heaven IN heaven. If I had a "perfect" life, or if things went just as I have planned, why would I want heaven? My heaven might be here on this earth. That is scary. I know I've shared it before, but I am looking forward to heaven more than ever before. I long for it--- for Jesus to come back. I think we often hear about storing our treasures in heaven, but I don't know if I have ever truly understood what that meant. Not that I understand fully now, but I know that these experiences have helped me realize that I often long for my heaven to be on earth. Do I believe I will have blessings on this earth? Yes. Do I believe God has favor on my life and wants to give me the desires of my heart? Yes. But, I want to desire heaven---not heaven on earth. As blessings come my way, I am praying I am reminded to not make earth my heaven. I will strive to be in awe of my blessings and always keep a heaven- focus. I can rejoice and thank God for trials, as it causes me to long for a kingdom that will stand forever.
Romans 8: 18-19 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed."
So, the next time I head to Houston will be the second week of January. Please continue to pray for my oncology check up and my ultrasound check up--that everything will look perfectly. That check up will be about 8 months since my mastectomy. That is so hard to believe, but I am so overjoyed. Josh laughs at me, because I can turn a light comment to a serious one in a heartbeat. I don't mean to, but it is just where my mind is. He will say something like, "I can't believe Christmas is coming," or "Your surgery will be here so soon," and I will comment back and say, "I'm so thankful I'm alive" or "I just thank Jesus for getting me to this point." So yes, the mood can change pretty quickly in the Taylor household, but it is just constantly on my mind. Big events or milestones can send me into a tailspin, as I become overwhelmed with thankfulness for God choosing to keep me here on this earth. I can be so extremely sensitive at times, and I am thankful for those who have endured my tears, fears, anger, joy, and ever-changing moods. I've always been very even-keeled, so God is teaching me much with all of these different emotions!
Josh and I are slowly but surely sending gifts and thank you's to so many of you who have gone above and beyond for us. We pray you are beyond blessed this Christmas season. Through my own struggles this Christmas season, I have experienced sorrow and struggles in a joyful season. It makes me ache for those who are struggling during this time of year. To seemingly have no joy in a season that is supposed to be full of joy can be overwhelming. God has made me more sympathetic and empathetic towards those suffering as I have suffered myself. Once again, God uses my struggles for His glory.
Praying you all have a very Merry Christmas. Join me in being in awe of Christ, as he was born on earth to save me and have relationship with ME. OVERWHELMING! I am copying lyrics and the youtube video to my favorite Christmas song below. There have been many car rides as I have belted it out and cried. It doesn't even feel like a Christmas song to me, and I wish it was played all year long. I remember listening to it last year around this time, and I felt it took my thoughts and they were put into a song. Enjoy. May Christ continue to be born in me!
Be born in me
By Francesca Battistelli