6 Month Check up
My 6 month check-up has come and gone, and wow, I am so thankful. It's crazy how much anxiety I was holding on to. I often times find it hard to even talk about my anxious thoughts and concerns, as no one can really understand, but I slept the best I've slept in months on Friday night. Each good check up is like a breath, a deep breath that has been waiting to come out.
6 months is just too long. Just too, too long. I have to constantly remind myself that longer breaks between appointments are good things, but wow, 6 months is a long time. So much build up for one appointment. Few can really understand. Josh can't even come close to understanding.
I saw a nurse practitioner this time, and that in and of itself if a good sign. I had prayed and prayed that I would get someone who would calm fears, rather than create them. I've come to learn that one wrong "medical" person and the way they phrase things can either really calm me or really bring in fear.
Thankfully, this nurse was great. She did a thorough exam of me and answered all questions that we had. She calmed many fears in me and was very encouraging. I held back tears the entire time. So much build up. Just so much built up.
As soon as she left, I lost it. I feel so alone in that moment. I feel so alone. I feel so relieved. I feel elated, like I literally could do skips through the hallway. Such mixed emotions, and I am still learning to balance trusting God with my emotions. I believe so deep within me that I am healed. It just seems at times that my emotions haven't caught up with my heart and brain. Does that make any sense? It's like my emotions at times doubt so much, when my heart knows the truth.
It was in that moment that she left that my emotions felt relief. I could have cried for hours, but for the sake of my husband and the others waiting to come back, I pull myself together and am just in awe. In awe of my God, once again. It never gets old for him to remind me I'm healed. I tell Josh this all the time. He could tell me I was healed every minute of every day and it could never be enough.
I am reminded of the simple song:
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.
I need God every day, every hour, every minute, every second of every day! I just keep hearing him say, "Trust me." Trust me that you're healed. Trust me that you will live a long life. Trust me that you will have children. Just trust me, my child. Trust me.
Trusting even when my emotions are resistant,